Why our loved ones don’t share their problems and fears with us

Do you feel that your children, your spouse, your loved ones do not really share their fears with you?  

Have you wondered why?

Generation gap, differences in values and all that is fine. But we are not asking why you cannot solve, but why won’t they even share? Why this ‘distance’? Why the hesitation?

One simple reason is, they have a fear to try something. To do something.  But they suspect that your fear will be so big that you might stop them from trying at all!

For example, your children want to date someone but don’t know how to express. They are going through a breakup, and don’t know how to deal with it. They want to try out a new career track, but are not sure. Your spouse wants to try a new hairstyle, but is nervous. 

But what if you say “Dating? Is that why we send you to college for?”, “Forget about it, and focus on your studies!”, “New career? Leaving your stable career? who will marry you?!”, “Color your hair? Why!!?”

They want to take a risk to do something. Not avoid it.

They are afraid and still want to try. You are so afraid that you won’t even let them try. 

They want to explore a possibility and are afraid. You are so afraid you want to kill the possibility.

You are far more afraid than they are. Of course, you want to protect them. But you still are far more afraid than they are. 

How can a more afraid person help a less afraid person?

And then if the more afraid person forces the less afraid person to follow his advice, and guilts or insults them if they don’t – what might happen? 

If you want to help – maybe start by acknowledging how afraid you are. Whether you are right or wrong does not matter. Whether it out of care or selfishness does not matter. Just see how afraid you are

Reflect whether your opinion or advice is aimed at facing this fear or avoiding it. 

It is fine if you want to avoid it, but are you judging the other person as an ‘idiot’, ‘immature’, ‘irresponsible’, ‘impractical’ for wanting to face it?

Is your problem that they are not as afraid as you are? 

Remember, if we are worried that sharing our fears with someone will make it worse – we simply won’t share! It’s common sense. Nothing personal.

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