My spiritual journey (Or The story of my tantrums)

I began the struggle by chasing money, status. Someone told me that’s cheap. Chase being a noble, caring human being instead.

I did. Until I realized I was still chasing status – albeit a more sophisticated one.

Then somebody told me – money, status are just symbols. What I was chasing is pleasure. A pleasurable feeling. But it was looked down upon.

So I read many spiritual books and theories, and came up with a new name “Peace and joy”.

Timely help came in when I failed desperately to find “peace and joy”. I got a new name “insight”. A refreshing change!!

I started chasing insight. 

This chase brought me to more interesting names like “grounding”, “illusion”, “alignment”, “harmony”, “source”, “Universal love”. My chase got more ‘thrilling’. 

When the words became too much of a mess to explain or grasp, I could resort to the wordless….by using more words…. 🙂 

“Non duality”, “yin and yang”, “transcendence”, “ultimate reality”, “changeless constant”, “Consciousness”

Until I realized that I was using different names but chasing the same thing I was always chasing: a pleasurable feeling. 

Same target, better names.

The only fig leaf I had was only I could know what I was really chasing. Other people only heard the words I uttered.

I could know, but did not. Others surely did not. This worked beautifully for everybody, until the inevitable happened…

I knew. 

The chase was itself the problem. 

Wow!! This was a great “insight”. I felt better, more evolved, more intelligent, more enlightened, a wee bit higher in the ladder of evolution. “Stop chasing” was the answer. I felt “liberated”. 

I started chasing answers, people, groups that advocated “Stop chasing” because it gave me a feeling of “liberation”. Across groups, platforms, countries.

Some used jokes, some used sincerity, some recommended purity and seriousness.

I repeat… “I started chasing…blah blah…because it gave me a feeling of

.. blah blah” 

The same damn chase was still on! 

The only success I had had so far was surely not in getting what I was chasing, but to come up with better words, theories, paradigms, frameworks to justify what I  was chasing….. 

I was throwing the same damn tantrums, but in more sophisticated ways. 

That’s it. The end. 

Sorry if you were expecting a great ending 😛 

Because the chase never ends! The chase to stop chasing also never ends. 

It only….

Sorry. I don’t know. 😝 

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