How do we become the person we really want to be?

Short answer: You cannot, unless you look at it in a totally different manner.
We think that what we know exactly what we want. That we are pursuing a clear “goal” of success.
Point A to point B! Simple! Right? If I work hard enough, long enough, then “I will become awesome”. There are so many inspiring stories to prove that “It’s possible!”.
So I have some questions before I reveal the real answer which has to do with how our minds work. I guarantee you this understanding will help you in every facet of your life
  • What if you become 90% of who you want to be? Would that be good enough?
  • What if you become 60% of who you want to be? It’s 40% short of your goal, but still 60% more than what you have now. Would that be good enough?
  • What if you achieve 100% but it takes long? Would that be good enough?
  • What if your desires/priorities change when you are at 40% – and you become very good, but at totally different things? Would that be good enough?
  • What if you become much better in those subjects you want, but find hundreds of people who are much much better than you, been at them much much longer than you? Would that be good enough?
  • What if you start getting what you want…but others say “abc is useless – you should have invested your efforts in xyz instead”. Would that(Not “Should that”) be good enough?
  • What if you get great at a subject you want (say wildlife research) but it does not give you a high paying job anywhere? Would that(Not “Should that”) be good enough?
See what is happening?
My ‘idea of success’ is not a real goal that is crystal clear. It is a projection of the flaws I have right now. Its definition is based on the opposite of all the things that make me think “I am NOT awesome” right now.
Thoughts that say “You are not awesome”, “You are not good enough”, “You are useless” do not feel good. Lets call them thought category “Blah A”(I am not using the word “Negative thoughts”. It makes them seem real, as if thoughts have a “type”) So we think another thought “I want to be awesome”. Let’s call it thought category “Blah B”.
This feels better, but then the Blah A thoughts come rushing back. We feel bad again. We need to sustain Blah B enough… to feel good…right now.
So we read more inspiring stories, Facebook quotes, rags to riches stories. This helps us produce and sustain more Blah B thoughts that “I can”, “I will”, “If she can then I can”.
Somebody tells us that there is some theory that says “You become what you think”, “Positive attracts positive” and so on. The “I will” gets stronger. Blah B gets bigger.
We feel better for a little longer. Hence we think it’s working.
Is it really working?
If your aim was to feel better by changing your thoughts – it is.
If your aim was to change things in reality – then it’s not.
The progress we think we are making is nothing but a battle between equally imaginary and illusory thoughts blah A and blah B.
That is why we often feel “inspired” a lot by reading books, quotes, stories – but don’t move anywhere. We love reading them. Because they produce sweet-feeling thoughts that seem real. Our Consciousness makes them seem real(That is its fulltime job).
Sometimes Blah B does help us to do some good things. Join some new class for a week, go to the gym for 2 days….but not for long.
And then 1 year later, we crash seeing that we are exactly at the same point.
Nothing has changed. Well, things always change. What I mean is: Not getting what we thought were looking for (We thought we were looking for real things, but what we were actually looking for were just some good feelings) eventually makes blah A thoughts to come back. Much more strongly because now “I have wasted another year”, “After all I AM really useless”.
So we read more “inspiring” books…… 🙂
So how do we break the loop?
  1. You see that all we ever experience are our thoughts, not external reality. We do not experience people or circumstances, we experience our thoughts about those people and circumstances. That is why the same circumstances and people produce totally difference experiences in different people.
  2. Thoughts are not ‘reality’. They seem real due to our Consciousness(ability to experience) The point is not which thoughts are better. The point is all thoughts are equally illusory. In the sense that they are not external reality. They are our internal ‘capture’ of external reality.

    It is like having a camera as the only means of seeing. The “reality” you now see will now depend upon the quality of the lens, aperture settings etc.

    This capture may be good or bad: Sometimes they feel really good, sometimes they feel really bad.

  3. We cannot control thoughts. But we can choose to pay attention or not. Why we get more negative thoughts than positive has too many answers. Maybe past, childhood, mood, boss, parenting, upbringing, demography, culture. None of them are in our control. So thoughts arise randomly. But the thing is it doesn’t matter anyway once we see that they are not a reflection of ‘reality’. We still have a choice which one to feed and which ones not to.
  4. We do not try to accumulate positive thoughts or resist negative thoughts. We see that we do not have to be controlled by either of those thoughts! We do not have to create the “right thought” before we act. We have the freedom to act despite our thoughts. 

    Whether you think you are useless, or you are the next Elon Musk – both are just thoughts. They are like background noise while listening to music. You don’t try to control it, or eliminate it. You just focus on the music.

  5. We start focusing on doing, rather than thinking. Once we realize (not convince ourselves) that thoughts are not reality and not our master – we start focusing on real things that matter more than the little pesky thoughts that we keep cribbing about, giving attention and making bigger. Things that matter more than the contradicting thoughts. Doing for the sake of doing – not to ‘become this or that’(That’s just thought) or worrying about possible failure (That’s just thought too)
For instance, here’s a typical internal dialogue that happens before and after you realize the truth about how our minds work:
“I really want to learn the guitar”

“But I am lazy…”
 Right!!! Let me first find out how to overcome laziness. Let me Google…
“But it’s hard…”, “I do not have natural talent..” Oh my God!!!! Negative thoughts!! Now I cannot do anything!! I have to overcome these thoughts if I want to achieve anything in life!!!!
Read inspiring stories, books, quotes for 3–4 years….
Try to pick up the guitar again….
Oh my God!! Negative thought again!! It’s been bloody 4 years….have tried so much, learnt nothing. I REALLY suck! Forget it.
“I really want to learn the guitar”

“But I am lazy…”
 Yep. No clue why or where that’s coming from. It’s OK, Ignore. Learn anyway.

“But it’s hard…”
 Yep maybe. Do I want to try until I learn? Yes? Then let me do it.

“No I mean it’s hard….hence you cannot do it. You do not have talent. You suck” 
Yep. No clue why or where that’s coming from. It’s OK, Ignore. Learn anyway.

“It’s been 3 months. you still can’t play a song”
 Yep, true. Do I still want to continue? Yes? Then let me do it anyway.

“No I mean it’s been 3 months. You can’t play a song. Look at others – they are playing 5! Basically you suck”
 Yep. It’s OK, Ignore. Learn anyway.
But you had an abusive childhood for God’s sake! You can never have a normal life. You suck in a very special way. You need intensive therapy for years before you even start to have a normal life. Hence you cannot do it.” Yep. It’s OK, Ignore. Learn anyway.
“What do you mean ‘ignore and learn’?!!! You cannot ignore. You cannot learn. You are NOT normal!! Haven’t you read the thousands of scientific articles that prove you can never have a normal life? You are not supposed to!” Yep. It’s OK. Ma’m – can you please help me with this chord?
In closing:
We have given too much importance to thought (beliefs, positive/negative, concepts, notions). We have made them God (literally and figuratively) But it’s all just thought!!
They are no doubt extremely powerful. They also seem like reality (courtesy our power of consciousness) But they are NOT reality.
The error is not in making some thoughts important (That’s a personal choice) The error is in seeing them as reality.
So we quit the wrong battle (battles of thought) by seeing there is no battle. Only pure action. We can do anything we want. The negative thoughts do not have to stop us. We do not have to “conquer” them before we move. They are not real. There is nothing to conquer. This does not need courage. This needs insight into the real nature of thought.
They are just like a fog. They seem real from a distance, but if we face them – we can walk right through them. But we have to do it to believe it.
Life is not as ‘hard’ or as ‘easy’ as we ‘think’ it to be. In fact Life is not what we think. 🙂 It is something that gets created as we keep acting. Whether we call it ‘Success’, ‘awesomeness’, ‘failure’, ‘learning’, it is just a matter of thinking.
We can never be sure whether we will become “What we really want to become” It depends on our thoughts at that moment. Which are not even real.
But we can be absolutely sure that we can do “what we really want to do” right now

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