On Kashmir files, Pain and Healing

When I was a kid, the most painful words I ever heard was “You are being too sensitive!!”

Today, when I reflect back – I would agree I did cry at things that seem small today. I also did not cry at things that seemed very important to other kids.

But that is never the point. Pain is never right or wrong, justified or invalid. Pain is just pain.

Trigger warning: If we are under too much pain, even a doctor trying to touch our wound can feel very scary. This post is about healing, which can feel extremely scary if you are still not ready. Read on only if you have suffered traumatic experiences in your life, are sick of suffering and anger and are ready to move beyond it.

Pain

When I saw “The Kashmir files”, one thing was very clear. Thousands of fellow human beings had surely suffered a lot, and I had never been aware of it. Or the intensity of it.

The least once can do before responding to pain, is to feel it.

The least once can do before responding to pain, is to feel it.

Feeling the pain Vs Judging the pain

Many of us failed to take that much needed pause. Instead of feeling the pain, we jumped to comment on how justified or not the suffering was, how much of it was fiction, the facts and statistics, whether others had suffered more, how it was being politically exploited etc.

This came especially from people who usually talk a lot about ‘depression’, not ‘invalidating feelings’!! Maybe political leanings outweighed empathy.

Somebody crying over a lost teddy bear might seem laughable. But when you were 3 year old – it might feel like a catastrophe. Similarly, what feels like a tragedy to now now, might not feel so to others. And vice versa.

Feeling pain is about wondering “How painful it must be for them”. Judging it is about evaluating “How much pain do I think they should feel?”

When we judge, we forget that pain cannot be measured. It is 100% real to the person experiencing it. Regardless if someone else is exploiting it. Invalidating pain is like denying someone’s life experience – their reality. It pains even more!

Feeling someone’s pain is about wondering “How painful it must be for them“. Judging it is about evaluating “How much pain do I think they should feel?”

The first step to heal pain is to accept it. Not do a root cause analysis.

If we can face it, feel it, experience it in all it’s horror – it passes.

The first step to heal pain is to accept it. Not do a root cause analysis.

Trauma

But if the pain is too much to bear for us, too much to even talk, or if one has been conditioned to ‘put on a happy face’, ‘suffer with a smile’ or confuse ‘letting go’ with ‘forgetting’, or ‘pacifism’ with ‘tolerance’, ‘forgiveness’ with ‘reconciling’ – then it becomes difficult to accept.

While the mind says “Let go. Past is the past!” the heart screams “But this cannot happen!!!”, “This is unfair!!”, “I cannot accept until…” We build a dam around our heart, unwilling to feel and let the pain pass.

And that is how a one time horrific pain turns into life long trauma. Eternal bitterness.

Sri Ravi Shankar(from the Art of Living organization) says “The wound has to be healed, not scratched. But not scratching does not mean denying the wound. The difference between healing, scratching and denying is delicate. And needs great sensitivity”.

Trauma is not a result of the original painful event. We suffer a lot of a pain all the time(loved ones dying, breakups, friends leaving, phsyical injury, accidents etc) Trauma is a result of a painful event that we are struggling to accept.

Trauma is not a result of the original painful event. Trauma is a result of a painful event that we are struggling to accept.

Healing

I hope a lot of human beings from Kashmir who suffered so much, any human beings who have been traumatized, who could not or did not speak up, who felt deeply humiliated when their stories were not believed; I hope they at least feel heard.

But much more than that, I hope this opens the doorway to healing, to letting go, to freedom.

All your anger, even a want for vengeance, your bitterness is completely and deeply justified – but I hope we can see all of that is part of the very pain we are trying to move beyond.

‘Letting go’ often feels like saying ‘All is well’. Denying the pain. It is not!

Letting go is about saying “All was not well that time. But I refuse to continue suffering in the hope that something in the future will change what happened in the past.”

If my leg is broken in an accident, it needs healing. It does not matter whether I was the one driving drunk or the other person. My leg needs healing, regardless of whose fault it was.

Not letting go is like saying “I refuse to treat myself unless the other person is punished!!!” The anger, the frustration, the hate is completely justified, but it does not make my leg heal any faster.

Not letting go is like saying “I refuse to treat myself unless the other person is punished!!!”

Building a better future

Once my leg is healed, once the pain reduces – I would be free. I would be in a much better position to learn, to act, to discern what needs to be done to prevent this from repeating.

I would be able to differentiate between people who really want to help me accept my pain so I can build a better future for myself, and those who want to validate my pain but not help me accept it – so that my anger stays alive and I stay a prisoner. The latter group says “Yes, it was not your fault that your leg is broken!! I am on your side!!” but does nothing to help treat it. They like to scratch the wound, without doing anything to heal it.

If you have ever suffered any traumatic experience in your life, my hope and prayer for you is that the experience is not running your life. You are. If you want to share your story, your pain, do share.

I cannot promise if I can help you heal. But I promise you I will listen. Without commenting on whose fault it was. To hold your hand through the pain, to suffer together without trying to run away from it. The funny thing is that’s often enough: Suffering without running.